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  Monday 23 January 2017 06:28 GMT  

Aviation Humour

Funny quotes and images - page 3

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."

Blonde passenger

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde , I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her Economy seat.
The blond replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he should probably have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blond and have learned to speak 'blonde!'"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and with out a question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flightattendant and the co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class wasn't going to London!"

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Courtesy of the BBC

"Israeli premier Ehud Barak escaped unhurt when a jet carrying him and his party was in collision with a baggage truck on the tarmac at Manchester airport.
The Israeli Air Force Boeing 707 was maneuvering during a refueling stop when the accident happened late on Thursday night. Mr. Barak's senior policy adviser, Danny Yatom said: 'It is good that it happened on the ground and not in the air.'"

A woman called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.' I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever.'
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it." (I was actually laughing.) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire.
He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air but flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean eh.. you're not the flight instructor...?"
A/C: "LHR Ground, Speedbird 123 request taxi."
GND: "Speedbird 123, hold position, you'll be following a Virgin with a tight slot."

A/C: "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign"
RAD: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two"

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Crew announcements

Overheard on flight into Amarillo, Texas. on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate!"

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately"

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at XXXXXXXXX Airways.
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silence, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

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