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  Thursday 29 June 2017 08:52 GMT  

Aviation Humour

Funny quotes and images - page 1

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McDonnel Douglas Warranty Card
News is just coming in of an unfortunate incident in the skies over Greenland. A commercial passenger jet has suffered a midair incident with a home-built kit plane. Remarkably little damage was suffered by the commercial passenger aircraft which landed safely. Sadly, the pilot of the light aircraft was not so fortunate.
Further investigations with the local ATC have revealed that the pilot of a “Lapp-Lander” kit-plane (believed to be civil serial C-LAUS) did not have an Airways Clearance, was flying VFR in IFR conditions and without oxygen, the airframe exceeded weight and balance limitations and was close to stall speed at the time of the incident. Ground crew were reported to have noticed a strong smell of Sherry after the commercial flight landed, the obvious implication being that the pilot of the “Lapp-Lander” was not in a fit state to fly. An analysis of the situation surrounding the incident has led the authorities to fear the worst. As a consequence, Christmas this year, is cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances……
NEWS FLASH: Today, the Air Force announced a new project that`s designed to reduce costly weapons expenditures while at the same time reducing the unemployment rate by offering new career opportunities to unemployed "Dot.com" workers. Air Force Chief of Staff, General Iron Pants was quoted saying "this project is good for America. It reduces the cost of our weapons and provides unemployed workers the chance to travel and the oppertunity to defend their country".

New FAA Procedures.

As of January 1, 2000, on any flight over 2 hours duration the FAA is instituting a new procedure. Every 15 minutes a camera mounted in the cockpit will automatically take a picture of the flight deck. This is to insure that the pilots are awake, alert, and in their places. The following picture is one of the first to be made public.

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

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Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers."
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!" (pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket"

BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."

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Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!”

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Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die.”

God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.” God then addresses Bill, “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain.”

God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.” God then address Hillary, “Hillary, what do you believe in?”

“I believe you're in my chair.”

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